Meet You Where You're At

As I kneeled on the platform one by one the hands of my friends and family touched my shoulders as my pastor prayed for me. A million things were going through my head during my missionary dedication that took place at the Garden Grove SDA church almost two years ago. I was about to embark on spiritual journey.

One thought was how will my spiritual journey in Saipan change me? I knew that change was inevitable but I wasn't sure exactly how I would change. As silly as this sounds I was scared God was going to turn me into one of those REALLY religious followers. Some people refer to them as the "bible thumpers". I really dreaded that thought. For those of you who really know me, know that I'm more spiritual than religious. I simply just wanted to follow God. And I wanted to dedicate the years that I'd spend here to learn more about Him and to share with others what He has done in my life.

First off, I had this idea that missionaries had unshakable faith. I also thought missionaries always came back home stronger in their faith after serving time in the mission field. I have learned that being a missionary doesn't make you any less susceptible to experiencing weak moments and doubts. There was a point when I even questioned the existence of God and the existence of organized religion.

My spiritual experience in Saipan has been the hardest point in my life. It has challenged me to think about what It is I actually believe not just what I was taught all of my life.

Though I struggle with my spiritual daily walk I know that no matter what phase I am in my walk . . He will always meet me where I am at.

Hungry

This is what my heart has been looking for. This is what my soul has been needing. I think of prayer sessions at church in the middle of the week as "soul food". I think about wholeness and health as three aspects: body, mind, and soul. Its been a constant struggle for me because when one aspect is deficient, I feel a loss of balance. Whenever I feel a loss of balance my focus starts to shift else where and anxiety creeps in.

I feed my body with food, my mind with His word, but what do you feed your soul with? How do you heal a broken and wounded soul? Prayer and fellowship with those who are going through the same thing I am going through has been a real blessing to me and is helping me grow spiritually.

Tonight we paired up into twos and prayed with each other about our pain, worries, and hopes. I feel God restoring my heart and my life.

Thirsty

Caught a glimpse of His splendor this past weekend. It was like a flash of lighting reflecting off the sky while over looking the sunset at Wing Beach. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen.

Though I have a busy schedule and lots of friends here in Saipan there are still many times I feel alone. It isn't the type of loneliness that just anything or anyone can fill. Its deeper than that. They say feeling loneliness is a part of the mission life. The strangest thing is that the times that I feel alone are the times I feel closest to God. Perhaps its because I am clinging onto Him for dear life. He is in complete control.

It will be my one-year anniversary of living in Saipan this September. I’m already looking back and re-evaluating if I accomplished all that I set out for here in Saipan. I feel that I have grown up a lot over the past year. Still my spiritual walk isn’t quite at the level I’d like it to be at. I’m still longing to deepen my relationship with Him.

We started a small bible study group Friday nights and prayer sessions on Wednesday nights. It was exactly what I needed. It’s taking us back to the basics about what Seventh-day Adventists believe and understanding who God really is. Spending time with the new student teachers is helping me refocus on what is important. No matter what I try to keep filling up my life with to be happy . . . nothing can quite quench or satisfy my thirst for something more than what this world has to offer like God can.